Do I stay or do I go now?

Crazy Awesome

SO one of the greatest comedic actors I have ever known happens to be my friend Caitlin and I just found out she is going to be in a new movie about George Lucas' life. She is going to be a huge nerd apparently and she has lines and everything and I could just pee I am so happy for her. This girl is the shit and totally deserves this. I also had a good day. My math class I have been like obsessing over isn't that difficult and the teacher is the funniest old man ever. I don't know his real name, but I've named him Mr. Puddin' and I even wrote a poem about him. And I can't say I haven't thought about making a T-shirt that says "I Love Mr. Puddin'" He's hilarious! And old! A winning combination! Ok well Im hot and sweaty so I am ending this madness right now. Mr. Puddin' rules the school!

What to do

Oh blogspot.
I have found you are utterly useless in a way. As I appreciate you publishing my thoughts for the enjoyment/entertainment/enlightenment of others, I can never really delve into the depths of how I am really feeling. My joy and my sadness will never really be completely tapped because I can't name names or events, for the fear of being too incriminating. I thought of using code names but that could also prove futile because I am not known for being subtle, and I think I would be found out just the same. Yet I will still use you to the best of my ability. I am not judging you Bloggie (do you mind if I call you Bloggie?) I just can never use you to your fullest potential and that is sad. But at any rate here goes another.

My father has said to me time and again that I can never expect out of others the same treatment that I bestow, because I will always be disappointed. I have been reluctant to adopt this philosophy, because it is not very optimistic and disheartening as well. But I am finding it truer and truer, and this is very sad to me. I have felt lately that I have lost my sense of magic and wonder, which has NEVER been a problem for me, as I like to think of myself as the oldest three year old in the known world. Call me conceited. :0) But as I am becoming more and more disappointed with some of the people around me, I can't help but think Pop is right. And if he is, that means that I would be a fool to become so close to anyone around me that I may start expecting them to treat me the same way I treat them. But then...the plot thickens. I start to question how I treat others around me. Perhaps I am delusional. I see myself as pretty darn friendly and glad to see and spend time with my friends and peers, but then I become focused on occurrences where I may have said or done something that would contradict that. And then I start obsessing on the fact that maybe those occurrences are not as few and far between as I think they are. Therefore, perhaps I am being treated the way I treat people, which I would really hate to think, because I really feel like I am being treated pretty crappy lately. Then I think I am a bi-polar hopeless neurotic with way too big of a vocabulary. Maybe that is the closest thing to reality. Maybe I am just a little too sad right now.

Stellar

So last night started like a trip to the gyno in a third world country. Unpleasant to say the least. I was pissy, bad fight with a loved one, and there was a considerable amount of crying in the bargain. I was not having fun, so I didn't want to bring anyone down that was at the party next door so I decided to stay in. After a while, I decided I would at least go out and have a smoke and see what the cool kids were up to while I was pouting in my room. I am so glad I did, because last night proved to be one of the most freakin fun nights ever. Thanks to my good friend *Princeton, after the use of a certain controlled substance (don't worry, i had control over it) I decided I was going to have a blast and hang the cost. And I totally did. I went on the road (or at least just into my friend's room) with the Mike and Cassie Show. This consisted of my dear friend Mike and I peeing ourselves laughing about all of our inside jokes while others looked on in puzzlement. Now, this isn't that bad you say, but literally the Mike and Cassie show was an hour long special. We could not stop laughing. We pondered why an especially obese woman in a pink tube top and hairy legs would ever be on the set of the Hallmark commercial we were filming, we followed each other's thought trains, or just waved as they went by, and just fucking laughed ourselves sick. Then as I flitted about from group to group, social locust that I am, I took my friend Mike's hat in jest. And at the end of the night, he said I could keep it and I literally haven't taken it off since, except to shower and sleep. I will miss you, you crazy bitch. Alll night long.

Flim flam floo...optmism? no

Why can't people just let you cry? Why can't they just let you be upset? I don't want to hear how your life is so terrible. It's not that I don't care, and I am sure you're having a bad time too, but god damn! Don't tell me how horrible you're feeling while I'm in mid tears, because it's not going to make me feel better hearing about how so and so did this and DARED to say that blah blah flim flam floo. If something is bothering me to the point of tears, I WANT to deal with it, and I WANT to be sad for a little while. Don't try and cheer me up, especially with stories of how you aren't doing so good, because I want to be selfish and ONLY be sad about what is bothering me at that moment. And god dammit, that's okay! For fuck sake let me cry! I don't do it that often and I don't need you lousing it all up!!!! Crud....today blows.

Apprehensive

School technically starts tomorrow and I don't have any drugs for the occasion. Verrrrrrry anxious about the whole thing. Monologue for one, getting thrown back into the whole theatre scene is another. I was doing just fine chillin in my apartment with my roomies and my other friends. I don't know if I'm ready for this quite yet. But tough shit right? Oh well, I'll just see if I can beat the world record for the longest amount of time being drunk. I'll start by putting Bailey's in my cereal. :0)

Ritalin Please

Ok so it is 2 days until auditions and I don't have my monologue memorized yet. I have just dragged my lazy ass out of bed (it is about ten a.m.) and I am sipping my morning Kool-Aid, and I am TRYING to muster the ambition to do something that will benefit the rest of my life. Ooh...cigarette. Good idea.

Smiling inside and out

I had the most wonderful time this past coupla. I went and saw my sister graduate from boot camp for the United States Navy, I dyed my hair a color that I never have and it looks absolutely fantastic (at least in my opinion), and I have just had an absolute blast! The other night, I went out with my friend Mike and I don't think we stopped laughing the entire night. We got trashed and got a picture of us sipping beer with straws out of a pitcher like 2 kids in a Norman Rockwell painting, and just freakin went apeshit laughing. Then the Duke of Spain came up and started talking to us and we ended up hopping in his car and going to his place to...read...scripture. Yes Scripture. All night long. Anyway, long story short, he got my number, we all got trashed, and it was the best time I have had in a very long time. I wish I had been able to chill with him more over this summer, but his ass better be visiting so I can commandeer more of his time. (Hint hint) And now I am about to embark on a trip to Michigan to see my extended family, and I am very excited about that. I have found a monologue to work for my fall auditions, and it just seems that everything is falling into place and I am very grateful for it. Even though some Spaniard who kept calling my friend Doug "Diego" now has a way of contacting me. Stupid me! :0) At any rate, I love you Mike and thanks for a simply hilarious time in heaven on a June day!! All night long.

Gah!

It's not fair!! It's twelve bojillion degrees out and me and my roommate decide we are going to go downstairs and have a cigarette on the front stoop. Then as we remember that there is a pool kitty korner to our apartment. we decide to go and dip and jump out of the neighbors' pool. I'm at the edge and testing the perfect space i could jump in when a nervous whisper comes from my roommate "Cassie!" And I look up and there is someone standing in the window very ominously. We book off running back to our apartment, which has, unfortunately, made us 20 million degrees hotter, and now I am off to soak in an icebath in our own humble abode which isn't as daring nor satisfying, but at least I will stop hallucinating an oasis in my living room. Why were those people home!?!? WHY?!?!!?

Real Job?

So what is a real job? Can anyone tell me? Because in my opinion, if you work your ass off, sweat from exertion at least once during the time of your employment, or it stresses you out at least once, AND you get paid for it, that's a real job to me. So that includes all sorts of things, motherhood included. I was talking to a friend about how I was going to be getting a car and I was excited to have one so I could FINALLY go and get a job waitressing (because in the acting business, that's something you kind of need to know). And then she proceeds to say "Yay! A real job!"
Ahem...excuse me? McDumpster may not be the most glamorous of working establishments, but to say those employed there don't work (at least the ones that aren't lazy asses) is beyond fucking ignorant. Working in the food business is a damned stressful job, and pretty thankless on the whole. Plus the pay isn't that wonderful. For someone (who's current job is babysitting I might add) to sit back and tell me that the 40 hours I work a week isn't a real job is absolutely infuriating. I am not casting aspersions towards babysitting as a job either! It's work too, you are in charge of the safety and well being of young lives, and that is definitely a real job. But for the most part, it is definitely more of a breeze than food service. And although I do regard it as real work, I can't help thinking that working an 8 hour day, including a lunch rush in a hot establishment packed with people yelling orders and complaints, may be a tad more difficult than lying beside the pool watching the tykes.
I am fucking beside myself right now.

Busy Bee

"Smiling" princess, busy bee
Aflutter with her tasks
The Passerby noticed her cry
And, "My dear, what's wrong?" he asks

"I feel as though the world swalled me whole
In one clean treacherous gulp!
All of these tasks, and wearing these masks,
Why, I'm beaten near to a pulp!"

Passerby heaved a sigh, and looked her in the eye
Then gently tipped her chin
Quoth he, "Busy Bee, though it is hard to see,
You're far from being done in"

Hard pressed to be jolly and dismiss her follies
She was set in the mode of "Poor Me"
So with her arms tightly folded and her anger mask moulded
She started off quick, 1,2,3.

But as she neared 4, Passerby still implored
And quoth he "There's only one thing I must know."
"Oh what?!?" She demanded, her features still sanded
In the likes of a cold December snow

And quoth the Passerby "What I'm asking, dont lie,
Is how do you feel right now.
Under masks, behind tasks, in the depths of your heart.
Really. How are you feeling right now?"

And deep down past her flitty obsessings with self pity
Beyond all the drama she'd felt
She found herself smiling, and found all the whiling
She wasn't that bad off herself

So with a grin and half cry, she said to Passerby
"Really....I'm feeling quite lovely right now."
Passerby tipped his hat, and quoth he, just like that
"Busy Bee, it is always right now."

Busy Bee by C August 2, 2004

Diva Wonderboy

When toothless yokels dare to speak,
And make my eyes go red,
When mothers of forty want their Happy Brat Meals,
And I want them to leave instead.
When I've had just about enough,
Almost more than I can take,
And I'm feeling almost "dead inside"
From acting so g-darn fake.

My little Diva Wonderboy is ready at my side,
With his "brrr's" and dolphin moves
And his comments so wonderfully snide.
And when I think I'll almost pop
From dumb customers' requests,
He reminds me that I'm just a trick
And "Stop speaking" he suggests.

I'll miss my Diva Wonderboy
Without him, work is lame.
But I'll probly be fired in less than a week
Still, without him, it just won't be the same.

I'll miss you so much Mike! I pray you'll go on to wonderful things! La la la la SHA-TAAAAP!!! :0 )
Love
Me