Not mature, posting it anyway

Okay this has been chewing on me and I'm just going to write it down and let it go.
A friend of mine moved a far distance away to a place where she is doing okay, but not having a whole lot of fun. Plus she says the food sucks. So, for her birthday, I sent her a Portillos package which had in it the fixings for like 10 chicago style dogs. I was SO excited for her to get it, and when she did, she about shit her pants. Said it was the greatest gift ever. I was so happy. Because food is amazing and should be shared with all. So the actual day of her birthday was 2 days later, and she is suprised by one of her friends from back home. She comes flying in and they spend a (from what i heard) fantastic weekend together. I'm super glad for her, honestly I am. She's not making friends as fast as she (or I) thought she would've and it must've been spectacular to have had a close girlfriend there unexpectedly for her birthday. Here's where I turn into a big baby. So she tells me all about her weekend and how great it was, and I happen upon her blog and she posted about her amazingly fantastic birthday and getting old etc. and there is not one mention of the gift I sent her. I love this girl. With all my heart, she is one of the most hilarious amazing mother fuckers I've ever met. But I swear to God, I have spoken with her just about every day in some form or another, tried to keep her in high spirits and just TALKED to her. Shot the shit. And this blonde moron (whom i have no idea why she's friends with, the girl's completely boring) who hasn't talked to her but TWICE in the months since she's moved comes in and all of a sudden it's the greatest birthday ever because Bimbo showed up.
Again, not mature. Totally admit that. I am just getting a little tired in general of being there for people and giving everything I have and then getting none of the glory. I know I know, shut up already.

Seriously losing faith

The longer I live, I find the fewer friends I have. They just keep peeling away like untrustworthy, flakey, worthless, careless layers of stinky onion down a garbage disposal. I know you should count yourself lucky to have the friends you do, but I'm really getting sick and tired, and really sad that more and more of them turn out to be turds I have to stop smelling, and just flush away.
One particular turd I keep telling myself I've already flushed, but there they are again, just bobbing up and down in the toilet, refusing to stop stinking up my life and reminding me that it's there.
And I hate this person. With every sinew of every fiber of every single part of my body, I wish I could just walk up to them with a baseball bat, and watch their nose explode in a spectacular red chrysanthemum as I bashed them full force across the face. There's that anger again. And every single time I feel like I've finally flushed them down forever to their sewagey home, I get a not so subtle reminder, right under the ribs, that they're a selfish, horrible piece of shit, and that the biggest mistake of my life was letting them into my heart and my life. Pure. Raw. Hatred. And the funny thing is is that this particular fecal scab on my life could probably care less about any of these things, should they make way to their ears, as they don't fall under the category of "their reflection". They never cared before, I don't know why I would expect anything now. But I just keep smelling that turd over and over. Still stinks. Still makes me gag. Still makes my heart wrench to know they could not care less. I wish you would just flush already you fucking joke of a human being.
It really doesn't matter how much you give to the selfish. They'll always be selfish. And then when you have absolutely nothing left, naked, penniless, and so so cold, they'll still be selfish. They won't pick you up from squalor. They'll just be really confused and pissed off why you SAID you would give them a ride to their snatch wax, but now you can't, and now they're gonna be late. Some friend you are.

Grouchy

Had a late night. Haha, well late for me anyway. In bed at 11 instead of 10. Went and saw Pineapple Express at the Brew and View! And way more awesome than ever expected. Was supposed to have seen Tropic Thunder too, but Mike was tired. Again. It makes me crazy sometimes. It's like, you only live once (and I only see my best friend once a week when Im lucky) can't you just suck it up and stick around for another hour and a half?? Admittedly, he works a hell of a lot harder than I do at my job, so less sleep for him is more of a detriment, but in the cab on the way home (the reason i left with him instead of staying, as i am dough-less) he says "I feel bad being like 'Oh I'm tired let's go.' " And I said something to the effect of if the shoe were on the food i would want blah blah blah. And I get back "Well I know you only get to see Laura once a week." .......... WELL IF YOU FEEL SO BAD ABOUT IT, WHY DIDN'T WE STAY?! Like make a decision and commit to it, wouldja? Don't make me feel guilty for leaving early when that's what you wanted to do, and I clearly didn't want to. It's just infuriating.
Man, I need to go home.

On the up

Well I'm feeling a little better today. I wrote my mom (you could say a stressor in my life) a letter yesterday telling her essentially that I was pissed she was so absent from our lives growing up, and now has the audacity to lay on the guilt if we can't go to family functions, among other things. Felt pretty good. Very cathartic. I also got to play with some babies!! Lol, I went to my cousin's baby's christening yesterday. I got to see all the teeny tinies running around, and then I got to give them back! I love other people's kids. But it was nice, Luca (the christenee) is just about the most gorgeous baby boy I have ever met. He's completely tuned into what's going on around him, and so interested, and he's not even a year old and he's already got this sweet little personality going for him. I'm in love. I'm not super down with the whole christening/baptism thing, but I don't think it was our side of the family that pushed for it either. Her husband, who I do like a lot, he's a very nice guy, has this huge obnoxious italian family. This one woman who was there was a real piece of work. I think that if the bride of Frankenstein saw this woman's hair and makeup (not to mention collagen) she would've burst out laughing and walked away. At any rate, I just think it should be up to the person themselves to choose which religious path, if any, they would like to take. It shouldn't be forced upon then when they're too young to know what they want. Plus it really burns my ass that supposedly I need some vested self important blowhard to tell me that my child is acceptable in the eyes of the lord. It just sounds like horseshit all the way around.

Lordy Me

I had no idea I'd actually blogged as recently as this year.
I'm not that angry anymore. Well I am but not of late. Just sad. Sad that I feel like I'm missing out on being young. Sad that I've let my body and my life fall into disrepair like so many abandoned homes. I no longer work at that restaurant I so fervently bitched about (and with good reason) but the circumstances around it make me sad. I loved the people I worked with there. And I can't seem to get the place out of my mind actually. I had a dream last night that I had a confrontation of sorts (i cant really remember) with my old general manager, and then a resolution? At least in my dream I thought it was one. I suppose that means that I need to make amends with that flakey bag of boring highlights, but I just don't see that happening. Or I can't get it out of my head because of the thought that SOMEONE out there doesn't like me. Who knows. I don't think I care if she likes me or not, I think I'd just like to punch her in the face. Hey there's that anger again.
So I am sitting at this desk job that I would call boring, but I think that would necessitate that there were actual tasks that I found tedious. No. I don't do anything. I answer phones and listen to my ass grow. I never could imagine someone could make so much money and use so very very little of their brain and talents. It might sound awesome, but honestly, it's like being at home all day with none of your stuff, you can't get anything accomplished, and there's no TV or pajamas. I think Dante wrote about it. :0)
I suppose it could be worse. I'm being told by my loved ones left and right that I should be using this time with only one job to relax. I can't relax when I barely have enough money to cover the things I need to take care of and very little extra. And then I come home and sit on the couch and it's like "Well, now what?" I'm not used to having free time. Sure books, exercise, guitar, any kind of hobby, sounds great. All I end up doing is watching TV and cleaning. Mostly watching TV. I don't know when I became such a worthless sack of sit-on-the-couch.
By the way, at this point I would like to say, should you be a long time ago reader of my blog and happen to stumble upon it again, don't tell me about it. Don't post comments. I'd really rather think no one is reading this at all.
I don't know. I'm just sad. I'm the heaviest I've ever been. My face is blowing up in acne inexplicably. And all of my nearest and dearest friends are either miles and miles away, or caught up in work and school. I have an absolutely wonderful boyfriend, but it's not fair to depend on him so much. He's unbelievably sweet and caring but I honestly feel like I don't take care of him the way he needs to be. Sometimes I feel like I'm too selfish to take care of anyone but myself. Lol, and I'm obviously not even doing that very well. I just don't want him to become resentful. He's said he won't, but I guess part of me is just waiting for him to change his mind. The terrified little part of me who can't handle being yelled at, who thinks people are always staring at her and judging. I swear to god I can't even go for a jog because I think someone's either making snarky comments about me or I'm afraid someone's going to put a foot out and trip me. These are clearly rational and sane thoughts.
Sigh, so I get sad. Then I get angry that I'm sad. Then I get so angry I cry. It's a whole lot of fun, let me tell you. How do you get out (she asked desperately hoping for a and no reply)? How do you stop being so mad and hurt and angry and depressed and that girl at the front desk who every so often you know is crying, even though she hides it really well? I tell people I'm laughing. It's worked so far.