Lordy Me

I had no idea I'd actually blogged as recently as this year.
I'm not that angry anymore. Well I am but not of late. Just sad. Sad that I feel like I'm missing out on being young. Sad that I've let my body and my life fall into disrepair like so many abandoned homes. I no longer work at that restaurant I so fervently bitched about (and with good reason) but the circumstances around it make me sad. I loved the people I worked with there. And I can't seem to get the place out of my mind actually. I had a dream last night that I had a confrontation of sorts (i cant really remember) with my old general manager, and then a resolution? At least in my dream I thought it was one. I suppose that means that I need to make amends with that flakey bag of boring highlights, but I just don't see that happening. Or I can't get it out of my head because of the thought that SOMEONE out there doesn't like me. Who knows. I don't think I care if she likes me or not, I think I'd just like to punch her in the face. Hey there's that anger again.
So I am sitting at this desk job that I would call boring, but I think that would necessitate that there were actual tasks that I found tedious. No. I don't do anything. I answer phones and listen to my ass grow. I never could imagine someone could make so much money and use so very very little of their brain and talents. It might sound awesome, but honestly, it's like being at home all day with none of your stuff, you can't get anything accomplished, and there's no TV or pajamas. I think Dante wrote about it. :0)
I suppose it could be worse. I'm being told by my loved ones left and right that I should be using this time with only one job to relax. I can't relax when I barely have enough money to cover the things I need to take care of and very little extra. And then I come home and sit on the couch and it's like "Well, now what?" I'm not used to having free time. Sure books, exercise, guitar, any kind of hobby, sounds great. All I end up doing is watching TV and cleaning. Mostly watching TV. I don't know when I became such a worthless sack of sit-on-the-couch.
By the way, at this point I would like to say, should you be a long time ago reader of my blog and happen to stumble upon it again, don't tell me about it. Don't post comments. I'd really rather think no one is reading this at all.
I don't know. I'm just sad. I'm the heaviest I've ever been. My face is blowing up in acne inexplicably. And all of my nearest and dearest friends are either miles and miles away, or caught up in work and school. I have an absolutely wonderful boyfriend, but it's not fair to depend on him so much. He's unbelievably sweet and caring but I honestly feel like I don't take care of him the way he needs to be. Sometimes I feel like I'm too selfish to take care of anyone but myself. Lol, and I'm obviously not even doing that very well. I just don't want him to become resentful. He's said he won't, but I guess part of me is just waiting for him to change his mind. The terrified little part of me who can't handle being yelled at, who thinks people are always staring at her and judging. I swear to god I can't even go for a jog because I think someone's either making snarky comments about me or I'm afraid someone's going to put a foot out and trip me. These are clearly rational and sane thoughts.
Sigh, so I get sad. Then I get angry that I'm sad. Then I get so angry I cry. It's a whole lot of fun, let me tell you. How do you get out (she asked desperately hoping for a and no reply)? How do you stop being so mad and hurt and angry and depressed and that girl at the front desk who every so often you know is crying, even though she hides it really well? I tell people I'm laughing. It's worked so far.