I am not immune

So for all of my "f this" and "f that" and "i've got bigger balls than YOU!" unfortunately I am not immune to the All Women Think They're Fat rule. It's exceedingly annoying, completely self destructive, and totally takes all the fun out of a good meatball sub.
Yes, I have been bitten by the I'm Fat bug. Granted I am bigger than I've ever been before (and if just one pair of my pants fit right now I'd be elated) but I am not anywhere near obese, despite what the bug bite tells me whenever I look in the mirror naked. Flourescent lighting is a big fat jerk, let me tell you. If I ever made someone feel that bad about themselves while I was doing my job, I would expect a big 'ol punch in the face.
Sigh, it's so exhausting though. Constantly beating yourself up when your tshirts look like you're borrowing your 8 year old sister's clothes. It's just this damned desk job. The only thing keeping me from becoming Mrs. Staypuff Marshmallow Man (besides a pre-nup) is living in a 4th floor walk up and walking to and from work everyday. And thank God for it.
OH no I'm sorry, it's ALSO to do with the fact that my gym (which is $15 a month and all i can afford) has been closed since fucking May and has set 4 different open dates that have never happened. It's infuriating!!
Ha, and the worst of it is, food is bar none my favorite thing in the entire world. And I have absolutely no food guilt. Unless a 3rd and 4th serving comes into play (if you've ever had my mom's pork and sauerkraut, you wouldn't stop at 2 either). And I do have a great love for vegetables in any form, and I would definitely say it primarily makes up my diet. Sooooooo, why am I the heaviest I've ever been?
Rarr. Okay bitching over.

Oh me

So I'm tippity typing my way all over St. Internet and Yahoo says "Hey look over here, here's an article on ways to be happy." I say "Cool Yahoo, thanks a pantload". I look merely for preventative and maintenance purposes, as I am in one of my rare and elusive, how you say, good moods. :0)
It has some good stuff, decent enough to make into my Favorites folder, and one of the things says "Don't reward a bad mood. The guilt will last far longer. Shopping, smoking, eating, all these things are quick fixes that are bad something something." Obviously I'm paraphrasing, but you get the jist of it.
So what do I do? I think "Hmmm, shopping you say?" I am broke. As a joke. That isn't funny. Because your grandma told it. I just spent $150 online shopping for pretty things. Oh no don't worry, I used a credit card. Sigh. I am way too suggestive. Those candy aisles at the grocery store were just MADE for people like me.

Dear Dad

You're a fucking prick. That's why mom left you.

Signed,
Pretty much everyone I'm betting.